Please refrain from smoking, smelly foods, alcohol and opinions on parenting techniques

On the bus this morning i witnessed an amusing scenario. When I got on there were 2 middle-aged people eating ham sandwiches. I didn't think much of it, as I witness freaks and hobo's on the bus everyday. The only thing that made an impression was how very dull their conversation was:

-Do you want a mint?
-Ooo Yes
-I've got another packet at home for when these run out... I forgot to bring them out though
-Oh

About 10 minutes into the gruelling journey to Brighton (It takes 45 Minutes on a 'good' day, whatever that means. Yesterday I was sat on a bus and a lady came and squashed in next to me. She asked how long it took to get to Brighton and not being particularly joyous about heading to my shit job, I replied "FOREVER" She looked a bit taken a-back, but obviously i didn't put her off enough as she insisted on sitting very close to me the whole way even when several seats in front became vacant.

As I was saying, 10 minutes into the journey a large, 'large' family got on- Grandma, Young Mum, child 1 and a child 2- a very excited small girl . They sat on the seats behind the Sandwich Couple at the front. The little girl was noisy, but it was understandable as I over-heard that she'd never been on the top deck of a bus before- Prick up those ears Goulden!

She was saying Hello to everything HELLO BIRD HELLO BUS HELLO SUN HELLO ROAD HELL CARS HELLO MUM HELLO BOAT HELLO SEA HELLO... over and over. Her mum asked "are you going to carry on like that all the way to Brighton?", and so it started, as the man in front piped up "I BLOODY WELL HOPE NOT" His wife Sshh'ed him and gave him an embarrassed nudge.

As the journey went on, the child did continue to 'carry on like that', speaking quite loudly and letting out the occasional especially loud shriek when something particularly exciting caught her eye from the bus window. One of these 'shrieks' caused the man in front to shoot forward suddenly holding his ears in pain, as she was sat right behind his ears. After sitting back up and shaking his head he announced proudly:

- That child should have a muffler fitted.

With a disapproving sneer,the young mother replied:

-Ever tried to fit muffler to a 2 year old?

As if it was written into his destiny to make this situation worse for his-self, he continued by suggesting that a bandage wrapped around the child's head could prove quite effective. I genuinely believe he was trying to make light of the situation, but it only led to his hole dug deeper as the Grandmother exclaimed:

- Well, I've never heard anything So AWFUL. Some people forget very quickly what it's like to have children.

The Sandwich Lady of the couple took this as her cue to turn in her seat to face the family and shout:

- Well, we taught our children to speak respectfully... and at a sensible volume.

Grandmother and Young mother at once:

-What, a 2 year old?!?

Sandwich couple lady:

-Welll, you have to teach them at a young age you know...

The grandmother sort of shot up like a meercat- totally alarmed and disgusted at this intrusion into her family life and exclaimed forcefully:

- I THINK THIS IS NEITHER THE TIME OORRRR THE PLACE FOR A PARENTING LESSON, DO YOU?

Well, that shut them up. Not the child however, who continued to chirrup with glee just as loudly as before- oblivious to the tension her innocence had created.

I noticed the couple had linked hands, which I thought was quite sweet- united by bus grief.

I thought I was going to be late to start my shift at work due to traffic and many fancy dress adorned passengers twatting around on their way to Brighton Festival Children's Parade.

My work place has this anal rule- If you are more than 5 minutes late for your shift you have to go home and aren't "allowed" to work, fuck knows why. I was kind of hoping this would happen today as I could have done with a day of sunny carnival frolics, plus it would have provided a semi-genuine excuse which would ease Sciever's Guilt.

Unfortunately I arrived at the office with a WHOLE MINUTE to spare, so I'm currently sitting at my desk listening to the tribal drums of the parade RIGHT outside the office window. It's making it quite hard to hear the morons on the phone, but quite jolly at the same time....