Sucking the Cock of Karma

HUHHHH i'm a mother? what the funkles?...

The reason i've decided to create a new post is because i just performed an "ego search", and realised that this blog is open to everyone to have a good ole nosey through... so that probably means a lot of people have read it, including people I Hate. Great, so they know the ins and outs of my life, well, the edited version at least... So, i thought, fuck it, give 'em what they want:

Ten Things that have occured recently:

1.I have a beautiful baby girl called Miss Tiger-Mae. She lights up my life every day and is literally, to me, the best thing EVER.

2. It was great, it went wrong, I got angry, I got sad, it got better... and now it's great.

3. I got fat, but now i'm thin.

4. I realised the importance of family after my grandma dying and my family getting incredibly close.

5. I watched a LOT of Mr. Bean, and laughed... still.

6. I suprised myself at how "hard" I can be, when i saw the person I dislike MOST in the world and shoved her in to a wall. I know I shouldn't be, but I am proud of my actions. She is a cunt and deserves to suck the cock of Karma.

7. I realised who my friends are. The ones that are still around, I love more than any thing (apart from my daughter, obviously... hm, and Luke, and my parents... and.... you get the message!..)

8. I learned to drive... again.

9. I realised that getting wankered, taking drugs and being out of your brain is NOT what life is about.

10. I re-discovered Blogger.com

And so here I am, Saturday night sitting in "Luke's bedroom" as it's become known, Arguing about who is going to go downstairs to get crisps: I find it reassuringly 'normal', and I'm happy. I spilt my wine on the cream carpet but fuck it, I shouldn't drink any way.

Things

Things that have happened in my life recently:

1. I had to close my eyes all the way to work on the bus this morning because the morning sun was SO bright I had no choice. Spring is on it's way!

2. The K button on my Keyboard is buggered and only works if it is hit VERY hard.

3. I went to the gym and some old lady mentioning miscarriage to me 7 times in a 5 minute conversation.

4. I FINALLY brought some washing powder to do the 5000000 loads of washing that seems to have accumulated over the last month.

5. Myself and Luke purchased a cot-scary shit!

6. I got an A, a B and a C for my last assignments.

7. I grew out of nearly every pair of trousers I own. Gallion in full sail mode coming on strong!

8. My "best friend" decided to disown me.

Nine Teas

I love Sunday mornings. Me and Luke seem to have got into a routene of lying in bed for longer than normal (which, sadly is only usually half an hour as we are both so programmed to get up at stupid-o-clock every day) Then, we make the obligatory trip to the Co-Op downstairs to buy some orange juice and have the SAME conversation with Max, our friend who works there. It goes something like this: "Got any smoked bacon out the back?" "I'll just check" "Why is there never any bloody smoked bacon on a sunday?" "Dunno, there's a rush on Sundays, and there's none out the back" So we buy the UN smoked bacon, some bread and go home and enjoy some sandwiches!
Anyway, I got up particuarly early this morning with a niggling feeling that I should continue my week long search for a particular tape which I've been wanting to hear so much. I've been walking round for days now singing bits of songs off the album, but I need to hear the complete article! Anyway after turning several boxes of crap out onto my bedroom floor I FOUND IT!! Shining through, that old familiar cover sent a pang of sentimental love through me- "His 'n' Her's" by Pulp. Then I opened it and of course, the tape wasn't inside.

So my search continues, I guess I could just buy the CD but that would somehow be admitting defeat! All hope was not lost becasue I found some classics along the way which I have spent the last three hours listening to and singing along at high volume. I hope my voice gets into the baby somehow and it grows up liking Good Music! Ha. So I've listened to Moseley Shoals by Ocean Colour Scene (or Scheme as my grandmother says), Stoosh by Skunk Anansie, Definately Maybe and of course Whats the story morning glory. I feel instantly happy when I'm singing along to this. I know it sounds kind of crappy in bits nowadays but it reminds me of a time when I was SO genuinely happy and care-free. I feel that again when I hear these songs, it's like some kind of nineties regression therapy. So get out your old tapes, listen to them.. and don't get too donwhearted when some screw up inside your tape player (If you haven't already thrown the player out decades ago) x

finally

Sorry for the lack of writing. I have been very busy with doing essays and being 15 weeks pregnant, hence my enormous (feeling) gut.

Anyway, the good thing is that Luke finally replaced the broom he commandeered last summer to sweep out a derelict warehouse to make a skate park. Unfortunately, rival BMX riders got involved and put a huge padlock on the door, trapping my broom inside the warehouse forever. Oh well, I hope they put it to good use.... my new one has pink flowers on it anyway and is much better!

Hallo Weener

Apparently we were going to a party but the wanker who organised it (or didn't) was either 1. Lying to look good in front of me- trying to impress me with talk of all his "new friends", 2. Got so stoned that he forgot what day of the week Halloween was actually on, or 3. Got a better offer and forgot to inform all the people that had been invited. Anyway, ultimately, it's a good job we didn't just turn up at his house because the truth of the matter is that he still lives at home with his mum (at the grand age of 30) who had come back a day early from her holiday and I suspect that was the real reason for the lack of party. I wouldn't normally mind that much about plans changing at short notice, although I am finding my patience being increasingly tested when dealing with flimsy schedules as I'm getting older, but this time I'd put in hours of work preparing a costume. Psycho nurse, that was the brief I gave myself. I ignored all the warnings of the photos of me in "uniform" being put on facebook (where i knew they would end up) which is silly of me really but the risk in my life has significantly decreased now I'm an old biddy who doesn't go CRAZY anymore!! So I thought I'd live "life on the edge" or something... uhem.

Not being put of by the lack of Partyness, my friend and I got dressed up regardless only to find ourselves sitting in a room with my boyfriend and his mate acting like usual "cup of tea?" "yeah, got any biscuits?" *Says the blood and shit smeared sou sucking zombie Sister Goulden.

What a fucking anti-climax. I should have known the evening would be a failure after going on a 2 hour search around every local shop to find a pumpkin. We ended up carving out 2 varieties of melon, plus 2 peppers and then later a dried out satsuma that we'd found down the side of the cooker (which worked suprisingly well)

We did go out but to an empty bar. Some bloke looked me in the face and said "Eurrggh"- twat. Plus I didn't win the prize for best outfit, even though I was the only one with face paint on, but I guess thats the sort of wanker behaviour I've come to expect from this let-down of a town. Can't wait till next Halloween.

Some strangely laid out pictures!

Here are the pictures that match my previous blog. For some reason unknown to me or B.T, my wireless only works if I'm above the "hub" thing sitting on my own upstairs. So publishing on here sometimes gets hard andyou just had to click an hope for the best, but you'll be glad to see this is a veiny leg...

Czech Please

I thought I would actually sit down and type something in my blog because I haven’t done for a long time. I kept making the excuse to people that I hadn’t done anything interesting enough to write about for ages but I’m boring even myself now with that reason, plus I have actually done lots of stuff, it’s just laziness and TV preventing me from writing! So I’m going to have a bit of hardcore Intense Mint Lindt chocolate and tell you about my visit to Prague…

SO, Dobrey-Den!- that mean’s Hello in Prague-ish. I have been back a week now from a trip to Prague with my Aunty under the guise of reckying possible locations for her business clients to do conferences. I don’t think she has any intention, or reason, to use Prague for this, but by having a brief tour around a 5* Spa Hotel and convincing the manager that it was definitely a place “we’d” (cos I was OBVIOULSY a business partner duh) seriously consider, we got to stay in spa luxury for 5 days for FREE.

So we took full advantage of the spa facilities and I have never felt so pampered before. After having a treatment on some part of body DAILY, I feel somewhat neglected in the week I’ve been back. Rubbing on some Boots own exfoliater in a small luke-warm bath under the glare of an energy saving bulb just doesn’t feel quite the same.
My aunt and I had a dual body exfoliation at the spa, which meant we were being scrubbed at the same time in a shared room. There was massive giggle potential, especially after being presented with some awfully large paper thongs to wear during the treatment, but we managed to keep it together. I had a very charming young man who could not speak a single word of English but had very nicely manicured toe-nails (I spent a LOT of time looking at his feet through the hole in the massage bed) and VERY large strong hands- God, I sound like a horny old lady, he was very u-hem good at his trade, talking as a professional myself errr…
So after being scrubbed, all the grit was wiped off with warm towels and then this honey stuff was smoothed on all over (I spent a lot of time subtly manoeuvring myself to stop the paper(probably now translucent)thong from exposing my pubes) We were then wrapped in cling film and left to bake for 20 minutes gas mark 4.
I didn’t favour the cling film effect personally, not being too much of a fan of enclosed spaces at the best of times. It was made worse, I think, by being convinced that it was a “treat” and that I should be the most relaxed I’d ever felt… It was just a little warm and greasy for my liking. Anyway, after being unable to scratch my face for 20 minutes because my arms were pinned to my side, the strong- hands boy told us to shower all the honey stuff off and then have an all over body massage for another hour ughghg luxury this is making me sick writing this now… Boo Hoo for being back in shitty old Seaford.
Just to rub the sickness in I also had a facial and a pedicure, plus at least twice daily usage of the sauna, steam room, Jacuzzi and swimming pool. One day I got a little carried away and stayed in the sauna sweating out for so long that all the veins in my knees dilated and came to the surface, obviously fucking desperate to lose some heat! I was genuinely scared for a while that I had permanently scarred my legs with a red web of old lady veins. I have a picture but it was taken a while after the initial fright so most of the redness has worn off…
We had Italian on the first day in the newer part of the town. I nearly had my bag stolen by some guy pretending to do up his shoe lace, but really scoping out the contents of my hand bag which was blatantly open. I’m not very good at the city thing. In my local pub you can leave anything anywhere- bags of shopping, fags, sunglasses, money on the table and nothing ever happens to it. I wouldn’t say I was naïve; it just takes me a while to adjust to more edgy city surroundings nowadays.
There are sausages everywhere in Prague, literally I’d say there is one sausage outlet every ten minutes along a street. You never need be without a sausage in your hand. I wonder if you did the tourist trail eating a sausage at every stand and shop, how many sausages it would take to see the sights of Prague… just a thought. We purchased a top-class cured and peppered sausage from a local deli as a present for my step dad. Regrettably, when we left we forgot it was wrapped up in a paper bag and stuffed into the top of the mini-bar in the hotel room. By the time we came back to pick our bags up and go to the airport, the whole thing had got out of proportion and I just couldn’t bring myself to ask them at reception if they had found my sausage!
We went to see a few modern art galleries but I have to say that just walking around Prague is better than any gallery. I did seem to be looking UP for most of the time. The hotel and shop fronts are so beautiful and individual, plus there are spires and domed ornate structures EVERYWHERE. The sky line, especially from the castle, is just pure fairy-tale. I sound like an excerpt from the Timeout guide to Prague, but it is actually true- I’m really looking forward to visiting again and taking my friends there, I know they would all just love it. Anyway, the Timeout guide did prove useful on the last night when we were in desperate need of a curry. Apparently there’s only one curry house in the whole of Prague, which I found hard to believe, but could have explained how this shit-hole we went to managed to stay open! It was called “Himalaya” and was in the hippyish bit of the city. We were alone on the lower level of the restaurant, joined by two very loud inane American girls upstairs. I think they were literally sitting ON TOP of us and there was some weird balcony arrangement going on which meant we were practically IN their conversation. There wasn’t much to hear, although I was mildly amused when after about half an hour of deliberation and discussion over the intricacies of the various delights on the menu, they finally settled on “2 chicken currys”. Bland.
Anyway, I had to show the waitress what tonic water was from the fridge, but it wasn’t her fault as the Indian, English and Czech language mix was pretty fucked up and I was getting confused trying to communicate myself. We had a starter and were then presented with a solo poppadum as the next course. It was all a bit strange and the poppadum has been microwaved for too long or something, but we went along with it. Next was the ridiculously large oval plate of chicken biriani (which was just for me but could have fed 4 people) and my Aunts dahl and orange microwaved rice and the BLANDEST vegetable curry known to man. Nursing home special, it wasn’t a Dansak that’s for sure YA YA. Anyway, we ate it and it didn’t really make the cold go away and I swear I got the shits from it, but I guess that’s what you get for being so fucking western and DEMANDING food from exotic continents at least once a week…
The good thing about going away with my aunt and not my friends or Luke was that I got nicely pressured into doing things I probably wouldn’t have done otherwise. We spent a really long day hiking around parks, crossing bridges and walking round the entire castle-which is enormous. We were walking back to the hotel feeling ratty and tired, and came across a concern of Mozart’s Requiem performed by the Prague national choir (or something equally impressive?!) in St Nicholas’s church. My aunt apparently loves this piece of music so we just paid and went it. It was a bit of a sudden culture attack, as I have never really been to anything classical or serious like that and wasn’t sure how to behave. I’ve always thought that sort of classical thing is quite sombre and I’m in constant fear of needing to make a loud noise or laugh or do something disruptive. The church was massively impressive- Baroque design- so really garish, very gold, cherubs everywhere, very extreme but good. I’ll put in a picture. It was fantastic anyway, it sounds cheesy but the hair on my neck was standing up at times. It so good I couldn’t quite get my head around the fact that the choir were ACTUALLY singing it… I guess I’m just not used to hearing that kind of stuff live, it was a brilliant experience.
I got a really bad cold on the last day so spent the time before the airport feeling like my head was stuffed with foliage and just wanting to sit down and stare a lot. I have been to the doctors since I came back and have been given steroids to give me strength to hack up the shit sitting on my chest, so it turns out I was actually REALLY ill. I felt a bit bad about making it shit for my aunt, but I don’t think she minded. We had a 3 hour long lunch on the last day at the Kampa Modern Art museum restaurant which is on a balcony overlooking the river. It was a lovely day and we had creative modern art salads which were delicious. We had Mojitos and good pudding and espresso and sat on a soft settee- it was a really nice time.
Anyway, I feel like I could drivel on for ages about my time but I have been writing for so long now that I feel like I can’t differentiate between what actually might be of interest to anyone else and what’s just a stream of stoned consciousness- which this may well all be anyway! What about if I just say this… Other main highlight’s included having a Pork Escalope topped with a perfectly square bit of ham, buying a hand carved Marionette puppet, a boat ride down the river at night and a weird midnight feast in our room involving Saucrout (?) and cheese triangles. It was a good time-it made me happy and inspired.
I’m going to spend the rest of this evening sitting and not thinking of food, as I’m on a diet and I am determined to make temptation my bitch. I’m all about sensations it seems and The Lindt intense mint just wasn’t enough.